It took me a long time to decide to take the precepts. My interest in meditation and yoga began in 2001 and is what I now think of as my “pea-souper” days. Those years spent primarily as a “Book Buddhist”, evoked feelings of : ‘Who needs a Sangha, anyway?’
It was 8 years ago though, I discovered Zenways; I attended my first Breakthrough to Zen in 2018 and lo and behold I found my Sangha. I trained as a Zenways meditation teacher and attended yearly retreats.
However, I still had no urge to take the precepts!
So.. just what was holding me back?
Maybe it was a sense of loyalty to my parents, who encouraged, or rather insisted I become confirmed as a Christian; a very public commitment to the Christian faith. Or maybe it was the fear of hypocrisy … another commitment to inevitably broken promises? Or was it as simple as plain old doubt? Some safety in keeping my options open? Or perhaps a mixture of all the above?
My youth and middle years were devoted to happy agnosticism followed by long periods of exuberant “born-again atheism”, with Richard Dawkins as High Priest and Guru. All natural selection and genes… but no way and means.
However, as Buddha, the Dharma and my new found Sangha slowly but surely trickled down into, and over my heart, the meat began to tenderise and simmer in the pot, until, there was a gradual relaxing of the gristle; the hard edges of right and wrong, left and right and of this and that softened… resulting in an acknowledgment that all this had to come and pass, and was necessary for me to proceed with The Precepts.
So now, more obvious than ever that “God is a circle whose centre is everywhere and circumference nowhere” it was, in my 70th year, I found myself ready to embrace, to act now, to end the doubt, and to trust the Three Refuges… and so it was I wrote my Sange, mustering my regrets and writing them down and, with resolve, I ordered my Rakusu, which arrived lovingly and perfectly fabricated; displaying poetry in practice.
I then experienced two pieces of good fortune. Firstly, Daizan suggested my Jukai Ceremony could be immediately after the Sesshin. (Surely, I would be as prepared as I ever would be by then?) and quite fortuitous again, Zenways hosted an online course on the Precepts in perfect time for my preparations for the ceremony. Everything appeared to be dropping into place, and with prods and inspiration from April Gensai. I just needed to do one more thing, read my Sange out loud to my Zen Mentor, Mark Kuren.
I researched nothing of the ceremony itself, and so it was not until I sat in front of Daizan Roshi and the process unfolded, that the enormity of Jukai hit me. The burning realisation that I had become part of the lineage, the bows to my parents and hometown, and the direct question from Roshi on each precept followed by my heartfelt affirmation. It all suddenly became alive and felt more powerful than I could ever have imagined.
I felt the magnitude of the commitment to try my best to keep the precepts and to understand them further and integrate them into daily practice. Another confirmation, but this time a clear beginning not an end.
I owe gratitude to so many people for carrying me to this point:
To my parents, to whom I continue to bow to for planting the seed, which despite my failure to nurture and water for many years just refused to die.
To my dear brother, who had the courage and fearlessness to walk towards the light and inspire my own path.
To my wonderful wife and mother of our children, who always supported and encouraged me in this Zen way, despite having no interest, yet displaying more compassion in her little finger than I have in my entire body. Some of us just have more work to do.
To my teachers, Shinzan Roshi, Daizan Roshi, Mark Kuren and the wider Zenways Sangha.
Jukai is done, Sange now ash. The promises have been made, and the precepts are now my way-markers. At various points I will no doubt fall off the path and into a dark, muddy ditch, but I can crawl back up and the way ahead will become clear again.
One step at a time.
Paul Kyosei Feetham
(with huge gratitude to Emma Daisho Hudson for helping to edit and improve my original)